Note From Tongal: “If Commercials Were Movies” is part of a series of Tongal Community-written blog posts that were originally sourced in the Tell Us About It Tongal Blog Project. Read more Tongal Community-written posts here and stay tuned for more opportunities to Pitch a topic and write for the Tongal Blog!
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During the Super Bowl, a commercial was shown that appeared to be a trailer for a new Crocodile Dundee movie, starring Chris Hemsworth and Danny McBride. For those who don’t know about the awesomeness that is Crocodile Dundee, please rent it, watch it on your Google Glasses, have CGI models act it out for you, or whatever it is the kids do these days. It’s a great, fun slice of classic 1980’s over-the-top madness, featuring the classic line, “That’s not a knife. That’s a knife!” The Crocodile Dundee commercial shown during the Super Bowl, however, turned out to be a tourism ad for Australia designed to look like a movie trailer. Cool fake-out! But I was disappointed. A movie I would’ve been excited to see wasn’t a movie at all. It was a commercial.
I started thinking about the relationship between movies and television commercials. Hollywood is always turning classic television shows into movies—The Brady Bunch, Baywatch, Scooby Doo, 21 Jump Street, to name a few—but what if we took classic commercials and reimagined them as films? It seemed like a fun exercise that would produce amusing results, so I gave it a shot. Here’s what some of the greatest commercials of all-time might be like if they were films being made in 2018:
Where’s the Beef - starring Frances McDormand. When her favorite burger joint's burger patties start getting smaller and smaller, a woman stands up for what's right by painting billboards near the restaurant that say, simply, "Where's the Beef?" The restaurant is forced to consider what's worth more: a few pennies profit, or their customers' happiness. Where’s the Beef is the inspiring story of one hungry woman who made a difference. Also starring Sam Rockwell as "the Manager."
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1984 - starring Jennifer Lawrence as The Runner, a woman who triggers a revolution with a single act of defiance. In a dystopian society ruled by a talking head on enormous television screens, Big Brother (Peter Dinklage) has created a society of sameness, a colorless world of dull grays, where the individual thought is a crime, where standing out will get you arrested by the Thought Police and their deranged leader (Michael Fassbender). Big Brother has taken social media away from the people. All hope seems lost, until The Runner, wearing bold red shorts, runs from police and throws a sledgehammer through the television screen, revealing the cowardly man behind the screen. In a final epic battle atop a mountainous pile of old Macintosh Computers, The Runner knocks out Big Brother, and shouts, “You’re unfriended, bitch!” Also starring Seth Rogen as The Runner’s smart-ass sidekick, Gus. Based on the works of George Orwell and Steve Jobs. Directed by Michael Bay.
Mikey Likes It! – He was the most famous kid in America. He was the kid who hated everything, except Life Cereal. Everyone knew the saying “Mikey likes it!” His star rose even higher with the reality series The Shark Tank Apprentice, where average people came to him with products they wanted his company to endorse. Mikey, like a king on his throne, would make or break people’s hopes and dreams with one sentence. Most heard “Mikey doesn’t like it” and their products died a painful public death. Now, Mikey (Leonardo DiCaprio) is in the White House, after winning a bitter election against Wendy the Snapple Lady (Meryl Streep), and makes one seemingly random decision after another. “Tariffs? Mikey likes it!” “We’ll build the Wall with cereal boxes!” But one man could bring Mikey down: Special Counsel Cap’n Crunch (Daniel Day-Lewis). Mikey likes it! But maybe not for long in this sugarcoated political thriller.
Cindy Crawford – Amy Schumer plays Cindy Crawford in this wacky new take on the classic Pepsi commercial. On a hot summer day, Cindy stumbles from her Pontiac Aztek toward a Pepsi machine, while two adorable kids (Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard) stare at something truly beautiful—Pepsi’s new can. When Cindy realizes the kids are gawking over the can and not her, she flips her lid, and chases the kids all over town, screaming, “Tell me I’m hot!” On her crazy adventure, she stumbles upon a talking giraffe, a wormhole to another dimension where she actually is a supermodel, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, a map to a fabled national treasure hidden by the Founding Fathers, Amelia Earhart, and a mysterious suitcase that glows when it’s opened. Cindy finally corners the kids and they’re forced to say, “Okay, okay, you’re hot! Leave us alone! We’re just kids!” You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll call Child Protective Services after watching the laugh-riot we like to call Cindy Crawford.
Energizer Bunny – A cute toy bunny that bangs a drum becomes a never-ending nightmare in this modern horror classic. When their five-year-old daughter (Dakota Fanning, a little kid again with the help of CGI) spots a pink bunny in a pop-up store window, mom and dad (Lady Gaga & Adam Driver) make an offer to the eccentric shopkeeper (Tilda Swinton), who warns, “The fun never stops with this special bunny.” The bunny seems like a normal toy at first, until the middle of the night, when the banging begins seemingly on its own. Dad tries to remove the batteries, but they won’t come out. The bunny just keeps going. And going. And going. And going. The family flees their home as the sound becomes unbearable, but the bunny follows. It never stops. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, because wherever they go, the banging follows. They return to the pop-up shop, but now it’s an avocado toast boutique. As madness sets in, the family discovers their last, best hope: The Bunny Hunter (Bruce Willis). You’ll never look at batteries the same way.
See, wasn’t that fun? What commercials could you imagine getting the big screen treatment? The possibilities are endless.
